Mixed up feelings

With my mat leave end in now close sight I have to say I'm feeling allllll mixed up inside.  Marcus turned to me yesterday and asked "Are you ok?" when I suggested we go down to the splash pad in the park so the kids can cool off, with welled up eyes. Welled up eyes because I realized the summer will soon be coming to an end, I will be going back to work and someone else will get to watch them play and grow on a daily basis.

Earlier that day when both kids were screaming at me for lunch I said and I quote "I CAN NOT WAIT TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE AND BACK TO WORK!".

A little mixed up I am on this end.  No two people have ever made my blood boil and heart melt like these two can.  When I need to get as far away from them as possible, I'm RUNNING to get back to them after I do so.

They go to bed at night and I'm relieved for some me time, but by the next morning I crave to see their little smiling faces.

I have a love/hate for staying home and going back to work.

Could I be more confused?

I'm not going to even try to explain this contradiction because I have yet to make sense of it. 

God, I sure took my adolescent "problems" for granted.  If I went back I would make sure I didn't get stressed out over the fact that "Billy didn't smile at me in math class" or that "my parents won't let me stay up late.  You couldn't pay me to stay up late now and really, I could care less about what ever happened to Billy.

Anyway...confused, sad and excited for the next chapter.

Some summer pics....

Love it

Time away not somewhere else.

Recently I wrote about the "vacation" I took with the family. I realized very quickly this weekend that was time somewhere else and not time "away". That was us (Marcus and I) going somewhere else with the kids other than our home. Time away was this weekend... Just Marcus and I AWAY.

Wine tasting, long walks, meals on patios, massages and lots of laughing at the Pillar and Post in Niagara on the lake.

A two night tease but worth every minute. I didn't cry this time leaving the kids and practically ran to the car the night we left. It was because of the night before that I knew I REALLY needed this.

Alex was having a hard time going down for bed. His teeth were driving him crazy so we had to go in two or three times to calm him down. Anyway, we finally got him to sleep so I had a chance to walk around outside in the yard cleaning up after the mess we made that day.  Picking up a baby bottle here, putting a ball away there I was done in a few minutes. All that was left to do was take the stroller from the backyard to the front...easy enough. With a bottle in each hand I wheeled the station wagon model of our stroller to the front yard, dragged it up the steps and went to open the front door to go inside.

Well.... the front door was locked. Crap, I was locked out (at least of the front door).  Why didn't you ring the door bell you ask? For two reasons.
1). I knew Marcus wouldn't answer because he would think it was the ghosts. Yes...the ghosts. Our door bell goes off multiple times a day for no reason.  We realize it's probably not ghosts, but way more funny to look at one another when the bell goes off and say "ghosts".
2) If I ran the door bell or knocked more than once then there was a chance it would wake Alex...which was not an option.

The window I climbed through the last time I was locked out was locked and closed so around to the side of the house I went to check the side door...locked.
So to the backyard I went trying to reach over the fence for the latch...unsuccessful I was.

Still holding the baby bottles I ran in bare feet over to my neighbours house and knocked on their door, maybe I could just hop her fence? Yes, I know...I have no shame. I lost that a long time ago.

So knock knock knock and no answer.  Now I'm getting nervous because my pizza was in the oven that Marcus had no idea about. I decided I would just let myself in their backyard and quickly hop the fence without anyone seeing me...they weren't home anyway.

Navigating around her BEAUTIFUL garden I'm now tip toeing through soil in my bare feet getting ready to straddle the waist high fence when my neighbours who I thought were out (they were probably screening my knock - or maybe they have ghosts too) walk out on to their deck.  So picture this - hair all messed up, now sweating, barefoot and a bottle in each hand I'm hopping their fence. Awesome.

This reminded me of the time I was locked out of our old house and had to hop the fence preggers with Hayden ripping a whole in the crotch of my pants while my neighbours FIVE kids laughed at me.

At this point I explain the situation and our much needed "time away" not "somewhere else" with the kids.  She says nothing and just smiles.  My second foot hits our yard  and I wave my embarrassed good bye as she says "Don't come home with another baby now". 

I just kept walking.

Bugging me

It's 10:02am and so far today EVERYONE and EVERYTHING is BUGGING me.
No...I don't think it's me. I think it's the world with the problem.

I would like to vent and frankly I don't care if it makes sense today.

- stop putting me on hold
- just clean my ducts and enough with the up sell
- sun, you are just too hot today
- Hayden, really.. stop yelling
-Alex, really... stop yelling
- air con you are too cold
- Joanna time to join the gym
- lui get out from under my feet
- twit at the YMCA, just sign me up for the drop in centre and stop telling me to call back. I DO NOT HAVE TIME
- Dora, done with you
- Lui, don't crap in the yard
- Milk....come to me, don't make me go to the store to get you
- bills, leave me alone
- telemarketer, do you feel good about bothering me while you CLEARLY hear two kids yelling for their snack in the background


Ahhhh that actually feels better.

Some summer pics

Vacation is....

- Waking up to the sound of two loons at 5:45 calling each other on a quiet lake and smiling because, come on - how cute is that?
- Sitting with the morning sun on my face even though the room was 105 degrees.
- Ice cream cones daily and once, in place of dinner. Why? because I'm on vacation
- Mixing a mojito at 11:00am (stop judging) I said 1 not 12.
- Running in from the rain into a warm cottage without the fear of the kids catching a chill from air con - bc there is none.
- Listening to Hayden scream "YEA COTTAGE" 10000 times a day.
- Lying in the sun listening to nothing but the sound of waves on the shore line during the kids nap time.
- Reading, reading reading and reading.
- Watching movies in the VCR bc cable and modern technology don't belong here. (clearly we struggle with this one - hence the movies old enough for a VCR).
- Sitting on the dock
- Swinging on the sings in town (yes all of us, in a row) - since when does it hurt to swing?
- Visiting the wolf sanctuary and waving at ALL of the wolves both real and fake by Haydens orders
- Hayden telling the ants "see you soon" after I squish them.
- Waving at rocks and trees during a car ride into the hills.
- Taking turns sleeping in and taking naps (and actually sleeping)
- Trying to "stay up late" but surrendering to that wonderful feeling of falling asleep on the couch in front of the TV.
- The smell of outside on your babies skin before they drop into the bath tub.
- squishing into a single bunk bed with your two year old at 4:00am bc he wakes and doesn't know the room. ( But not minding bc when do I ever get to sleep nose to nose with this little guy?)

and vacation is...
re-appreciating how good we really do have it at home when we're not on vacation.

A thunk just used to be a thunk.  But now that I've had kids, a thunk instinctively makes me look around after hearing the thunk to see who has killed themselves.

So this morning I put Alex down for his morning nap and then joined Hayden and Marcus to enjoy my morning coffee. Hayden was playing (After a night of waking up 100000 times) and my coffee was oh so good. The moment was peaceful until Marcus and I heard a loud THUNK...long pause and then Alex SCREAMING at the top of his lungs.  HOLY @#)#$)#(@)#* the two of us went running up the stairs, I don't think my feet touched the ground with Hayden following us yelling "yea" the entire time clearly in a different mind set.

We run into Alex's room to find him ON THE FLOOR. Apparently he can pull himself up now, good to know.  He escaped from his crib and HE was the thunk.

After checking him over 10,000 times we learned that he was fine. Not a bump, scratch, or mark on him. In fact his spirits have never been better.  How are we you ask? We're fine too. I think we're numb now. You can only have a heart attack so many times before the attacks become just a normal way to feel.

Last year when Hayden did a back flip off of his change table, we took him straight to emerg just to have a handful of nurses laugh at us and say "If we had a nickle for every child that did this". Actually my favouite line was "First time parents I'm guessing". At the time I remember thinking what the heck does that mean? Now, I get it. Sucks to be the second child because this time we didn't jump as fast to go running to emerge.  However with that said, this time we knew what to look for should there had been something else going on.

Anyway, we adjusted the crib to the next height and broke it along the way. So now we have to buy a new crib. Hayden took a flip off of the couch as well - he's also fine.

It's only 10:30. I wonder what the rest of the day has in store?

"Kids teach you stuff"

It has been a hard week.
When I say hard I mean, I've been weepy, bitchy, snappy, irritable, short, quiet, angry and frustrated.  Hayden has been two for a week and yes, the "terrible twos" and all the fun stuff that goes with it are officially here.

Aside from hitting when he doesn't get what he wants he has decided to act like a baby (aka Alex) to ask for what he wants. So Alex whines, Hayden whines. Alex gets carried up the stairs, Hayden wants to be carried up the stairs. Alex throws his food, Hayden throws his food.

I realize all this behaviour is normal, will pass and if you stay on top of it will pass quickly but I still have to shamelessly admit that it's getting to me.

After a talk about discipline with my mom she did remind me that "Kids teach you stuff". They teach
you stuff about them and yourself. My son has taught me that through all of this I should listen to my gut
and do what feels right. He has taught me that I need to not take him personally and to (at least try) discipline without emotion. Ha! Sounds easier than it is.  This child needs to know that I gave birth to him, live and breath him and think about nothing else but him! He needs to cut me some slack! Can you explain that to a two year old?  From what I'm learning and the more I'm observing in general, I don't think you can explain that to any child who has yet to become a parent. I definitely didn't understand any of this until recently.
If it wasn't for him being such a good boy outside of his moments of the "terribles" I think I would have lost my mind a long time ago.  Maybe that's why mother nature made babies and kids so darn cute.

Something else I'm learning. I've learned that I care way too much about what other people think.
 I can't help but feel ostracized in public when I'm getting slapped in the face 10000 times. I'm not sure why I care but I feel like I need to explain to the observing world that I am in fact on top of it, that I'm not one of those parents that just sit back and let their kids rule them and that my son is really a wonderful little boy. I know, who cares... but one of those things that fall into the category of "easier said than done".


I've also learned that I have turned into that neighbour that yells all the time, the one I used to imitate as a kid as I peered through the fence fully entertained. (Said in an annoying squawky voice) "Jessica, come inside, Jessica don't hit your sister, Jessica mommy said no!  I have turned into Jessica's mom. I..am...Jessica's mom.  I do not want to be Jessica's mom. I don't want to have to look around to see if there are any windows open before the anticipated drama unfolds. I don't want kids peering through the fence at me. I'm too young to be Jessica's mom. God I feel for Jessica's mom. But funny, Jessica's mom never did seem to care how loud she had to yell to get her point across. I can't help but admire her "flipping the world the bird attitude" as she did what needed to get done.

So I have decided to continue trusting my gut, stop caring what others think and to keep my eye on the prize and already I feel better. So yes "Kids teach you stuff" and apparently mothers (mine and Jessica's) do too.

World Cup Birthday Party...

Slight rivalry going on in this house...but a a really fun day.

The smell is in the air...

This Sunday we will be celebrating Hayden's second birthday. Today while walking there was the smell of a certain flower in the air (not sure which flower) which put me right back to the weekend Hayden was born. That smell was in the air the night before I went into labour as Marcus and I sat outside enjoying a summer evening dinner.  That same smell was in the air after my water broke as I walked up and down University Ave (In a hospital gown) to "help get things moving". I would say that I  remembered that same flower after he was born but I'd be lying because really...I've been dazed and confused for two years now.

Hayden, when you're old enough to read and understand this entry,  you'll also be old enough to understand that you should go figure out what flower it is I'm talking about and go get me some. :)
I love you, my love. Here's to a wonderful second year. xo

What to do with an hr.

The kids go down at 12:30 and literally I get an hour before Alex wakes up (Hayden will sleep until 2:00).
So everyday I basically run to get them to bed because I'm so excited for some time to myself and every day I waste the hour thinking of what I'm going to do with this free time.  Do I make and eat a proper lunch? Do I take a nap? Do I do some laundry, catch up with a friend? Read a book? What to do, what to do? Today I decided I was going to lie down and grab a nap after a week of Alex and his teeth waking me up at all hours of the night. So for 30min I lied there in the dark anxious and aware that I only had so many more minutes left to rest.

Finally I fell asleep just to be woken up ten minutes later (groggy and feeling even more tired then I was before the nap) to Alex who decided to sleep for only 40min today. Now he sits quietly enjoying some milk as I sit here bitter wishing I made and ate lunch instead.

Heros

The other day I decided to take the kids for a walk first thing in the morning. It was going to be a hot one so the crack o' dawn outing seemed like a good idea.  It was rush, rush, rush, sweat, sweat, sweat getting the kids and their gear packed up. One out the door, the next out the door, one in the stroller, the next in the stroller. One gets a milk the other gets a water, one wants to sit the other wants to lie down.Up and down the stairs to our front door, i forget this and forget that. After my usual "Hayden no we can't pick flowers now or chase ants" back and forth and shoving Alex's hat on we were off and ready to go" (after I chased Lui back in the house after he ran half way down the street).  So we walked and walked and talked and sang and went on the swings...and were home again just in the nick of time for lunch.

I parked the stroller, set Hayden free and went up the stairs with my toddler to unlock the front door (part of the unpacking routine).  Into my purse I went to dig for my keys. Under a diaper, past the drippy sippy cup and around my wallet my hand fished around looking for the keys...the keys that I forgot to take during my sweaty and involved pack up. Marcus was home when I left, but had since gone to work. WE WERE LOCKED OUT. Not only were we locked out, but we were locked out at lunch time and that hot day I was trying to avoid was looking us straight in the eyes. @#(*$#$(%^!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I looked down to see these big blue eyes looking up at me wondering why we weren't going inside the house and something came over me. There was NO WAY we weren't getting inside. After a quick scan of the house I noticed a window left a  crack open which I could reach. Oh I was going for it. So with that I quickly explained to Hayden what was going on. "The door is stuck so mommy is going to go inside here, wait here like a good boy". He looks at me with this "I so have your back" kind of smile and away I went launching my big post p butt (shut up i realize it's been 9 months, but I'm using that excuse FOREVER) and bending practically in half through the window landing on my face...but I was in. As I stood up I heard this little voice from the outside "Mommy inside...yaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy" and suddenly I stood proud. I was the hero, I was my sons hero and I ran to unlock the door with great pride and excitement!  Hayden was already waiting at the door for me with a great bit smile on his face clapping his hands over his head...who cares if it was my fault that we were locked out in the first place, he never has to know that.

PS. I wonder if my neighbour and her husband saw lol

The best of the bad: PART 2

It was a lonnnnng day, the other day. Hayden hated me and I hated him (yes I just said that).  Alex, well Alex is only 9 months but just acting like a 9 month old was enough to put me over the edge this particular day (yes I just said that as well).

Bedtime couldn't come fast enough because I was so excited to get out of the house to go grocery shopping.
This wan't just an ordinary shopping, it was a "I just had a long bad day of kids screaming so I'm going to take my time going up and down the isles, maybe check out some joe fresh in silence" kind of shopping...and I did.

It was all so lovely until check out when I noticed the poor mother of two in front of me with the same look on her face as I had all day. Her little ones were screaming and I could tell it was everything in her to keep her cool.  Normally I could handle it, but this time it wasn't going to happen. The thought of listening to yet another child scream on this particular day was enough for me to make the 6:00 news "33 year old woman looses it at Loblaws, full story at 6:00".

So I quietly back my cart up (because I didn't want to insult my people) and head for the furtherst possible check out. The furthest possible checkout had the longest possible line up, but this was once again the best of the bad.  Line up for silence...hmmmm there seems to be a pattern here.

The best of the bad

To get through the crap I decided to find the best of the bad. With both kids sick last week the state of
harmony in the home was...well lacking.  Both babies wanted to be on me 24/7 and neither wanted the other close by. One morning in particular was especially special because Hayden was up at 4:40 and Alex not too long after. By 7:00am neither were interested in napping so I scooped both of them up and said, "that's it, into the car we go".  It was a Tuesday morning during rush hr and this was my best of the bad.  So in two hrs I drove out to Burlington and back for a little serenity. The silence trumped the bumper to bumper mess and all were happy (until we got home).

Honestly? Seriously? Really?

So....
It's 7:15am and I've been up since 4:40am because Hayden has the croup and Alex has an ear infection.
Both kids go down at the exact same time with two totally different colds, really? what are the chances of that? Same day.....different colds.

The fun part you ask? Well... the fun part is both kids can still (on top of what they already have) can catch the other's cold. yessssssssssssssssssssssssssss

So I told all germs as both kids sat on my lap crying and snotting to back off and go find another kid to infect because if the babies haven't had enough, Marcus and I have.

Good news.. Hayden can fight the croup REALLY well and only needed one doese of steroids. Maybe Alex will dodge this round of croup like he did this winter. (they are holding hands right now exchanging snot as we speak, FAT CHANCE!)

off to go for a drive as this is a |"pray to god they fall asleep in the car" kind of morning.

This Spring

This spring, Hayden discovered that he loves flowers, rocks and sticks. He learned to ask for the "swings" at the park and to run in the "gass". This spring he realized that certain faces got a laugh out of Marcus and I and even Alex. Hayden learned to get up and off the couch himself, spin in circles and dance when his favorite song came on. This spring he became my second skin thinking I'm both the best and worst person in the world. He learned how to swim with a life jacket on, open the slider door on his own and run out into the rain puddles in his bare feet when I wasn't looking.  This spring Hayden realized that when the car was in the drive way, that Marcus was home. He learned that picking his nose was gross and that poo poo was stinky. This spring Hayden realized that both him and I can't get enough hugs and even when we disagree (that was polite) we can still be friends five minutes later.  This spring my little boy went from being a baby to young child right before my eyes. 

This spring Alex learned to comando crawl across the room, eat more, giggle at Hayden and smile and clap when Marcus would enter the room. He learned how to sleep through the night and nap when I wanted him to. This spring he nearly jumped the jolly jumper right of the hindges, and out grew the bouncy seat. Alex learned to protest when a toy was taken away and let me know when he wanted to eat what I was eating.
Although Alex is changing daily, he is still a little runt who I want to keep that way for as long as possible because this spring I realized how quickly these little guys grow up.

This spring I was happy to welcome the warmer weather and say hello to sun burnt cheeks. This spring I'm relieved to open windows and wake up with the sunshine.  This spring will be the only spring I will get to spend with both of my boys daily, so I wanted to write about this time so when Im old and feeling nostalgic I will be able to re-live one of the best seasons of my life - this spring.

Photoshoot at the park!

Pics by Tara Smith...
http://www.tarasmithphotography.com/

The ugly truth

I started this blog as a journal for the family.  Quick and to the point polite updates about being pregnant, the birth of the boys etc.  Then I decided to carry it on as a journal for the boys and their families to  read as well one day. Along the way of diving into this new world I realized very quickly there are many things you are not warned or prepared for (negatively speaking) and made a promised to myself that if I wanted to remember this experience exactly the way it was then I was going to be honest in my posts..no matter how embarassing.

So here goes one of those not so perfect posts about a not so perfect day in my not so perfect life!

A few weeks ago I was happy to see the sign "It's a boy" hanging outside of my neighbours home.  It had been a long year inside so I had no idea there was even a couple let alone a couple having a baby, in arms reach. Yay! I thought, someone right across the street I can grab for a coffee, a walk...how convenient!

So yesterday six weeks after the new little boy was born the new mom emerged from that "jesus christ what just happened to me" coma and was getting ready to go for a walk.  I was doing exactly that and thought this would be a perfect opportunity to introduce myself. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. (this is where the story starts to take an ugly turn).

Seeing that I had only moments to make my move, I instantly started to rush, rush, rush like a spaz trying to get the kids buckled in so I could time our "bump in" perfectly.   Really Joanna? You're not picking her up you know...and seriously, who does the bump in thing unless it's in a made for tv movie. 

Anyway, I time the bump in and we meet.  I congratulate her on her lovely little boy and let her know that if she ever wants to have a coffee or go for a walk that I am just right across the street.  Before she even has a chance to respond I jump in and say "Well why don't we walk together right now?" Not even thinking for a moment that maybe, just maybe she may have other plans.  She tells me she's on her way down to Queen street for a shopping, but before she can go on, I once again pipe up and say "Ok, I'll walk with you, it's on the route that I was going on anyway".  I proceed to tell her that I can't go all the way down the hill with her because the boys are now too heavy to get back up - like I was invited anyway!

So we're walking and talking and pretty quickly I sense that "she's just not that into me" and I suddenly feel nervous.  So I start rambling on about god knows what not letting her get a word in edge wise, talking about me me me and my experience with the kids and what we do...me me me, I I I.  "Hi nice to meet you, I'm your narsasitic know it all, self imposing neighbour". The more I talk, the more I'm embarassed yet I can't stop.  Next thing you know I'm on my way down the hill with her, basically following her now and again....I can't stop. We reach a fork in the road when I finally get a grip and realize that I should probably leave the poor girl alone and head off in my own direction. So I make up some excuse that I have to start heading back...but really, why lie?  She looks at me with this "I think you are a little crazy" look on her face and says "didn't you say you can't make it back up these big hills".  - So I turn around and say "ohh no, this hill is fine it's the other one that I have trouble with".  If we weren't standing at the bottom of a MASIVE hill this lie would have took...but we weren't.  So she says "okayyy" and we part ways with "let's do this again" - yea right.

We wave good bye and I turn to look up at this huge mountain I need to climb ahead of me. Jesus. I quickly forget about my past performance and hike the mountain like the little engine that could. So up I go, talking myself through it and home I was 30 min later -sweaty, exhausted..but I made it.

 I push the boys up on to the drive way (which is a slight hill), park it, put the breaks on and proceed to lift Hayden out of his seat first and onto the steps up to the house. When I turned to get Alex, my heart fell into my stomach as I watched the stroller fly down the drive way, hop the curb and into the middle of the road! With my feet not even touching the ground I go running out into the road arms waving, yelling "oh my god this and oh my god that".  I guess I didn't put the breaks on like I thought. I grab the handle bars and snatch the stroller out of the road and check Alex to see if he's ok. Smiling and laughing Alex was fine, but I was paralized from the waste down and numb thinking about "what if this and what if that".

I sat down on the steps beside Hayden,  holding both of them while I took a deep breath and immersed myself  in self  loath. When I looked up after a few moments of "how could I this and how could I that" I spot my new "friends" husband across the road who while gardening, watched the whole gross episode go down. Wonderful! So now I'm not only the crazy and desperate neighbour, but a terrible mother as well - great first impression.  I'm sure dinner conversation was not lacking for the new parents that night.

So there you have it. Desperate and failed pick up attemps and a moment of motherly delinquency.... the ugly truth, as ugly as it can get.

Happy Birthday Marcus!

Year 35...a mexican fiesta with the family.
A Pinata, tequilla, mexican style pulled pork and nachos.
Good good eats, loud chaos, messy rasberry moose faces and full tummies.